Flora Cantábrica

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Fray Maria Rafael
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Virulent diabetes and the Civil War forced him to leave the monastery three times, with subsequent re-entry. He died on April 26, 1938 at the age of 27 in the convent’s infirmary, after a diabetic coma.

Cards
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June 11, 1934 – Monday
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To Father Marcelo León, Master of novices, from Oviedo
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Reverend Father Marcelo León.
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Respectable and dear Father Master: I beg your pardon for my delay in writing to you with news of my health, but a sick person can be forgiven for that small mistake.
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I continue to improve, although very slowly, and I am already recovering my lost strength… These last few days, I have been able to go to receive the Lord, of course, I cannot go on foot, despite the short distance from the church to my house, and this afternoon I will go out for the first time, for a drive.
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I follow a very strict eating plan, weighing the amounts scrupulously, to know the number of “carbohydrates” that my body tolerates and relate them to the amount of “insulin” that they have to give me… They do two daily urine tests and they also give me three daily injections of “insulin.” I assure you, Father, I am hungrier than in Lent.

The doctor says that I will have to be like this all summer, but that I will be cured… That is what I want to return to my monastery, although it will take time until I can normally follow the Trappist eating plan… Meanwhile , everything is in the hands of God. He is the one who can solve it, and I am in his hands.
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My mood varies… All this has been so sudden, and so fast, that I have been stunned for a few days and not knowing what was happening inside me, and I was as if stunned. The change in life is so radical that it couldn’t be anything less… I believed that God was taking me to heaven, but it seems that it is not yet the time for my liberation and that He wants me here on earth for a little longer… Let your will be done and not mine.
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When I went to La Trappa, I gave Him everything I had and everything I possessed: my soul and my body… My surrender was absolute and total, it is very fair, then, that God now acts as my protector. seems and what he pleases, without there being a complaint or a movement of rebellion on my part.
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God is my absolute owner and I am his servant, who obeys and remains silent… Sometimes I wonder what God wants from me, but as David says: «Who is man to know the designs of God?» Therefore, the best thing is to close your eyes, and let yourself be carried away by Him, because He knows what is best for us.
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I was too happy in Trappe; The test that he has demanded of me is hard, but with his help I will move forward and here, there or wherever, I will continue forward without retreating. “I have put my hand to the plow and I cannot look back.”
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God not only accepted my sacrifice, when I left the world, but he has asked me for an even greater sacrifice, which was to return to him… Until when?… God has the word. He gives health, and He takes it away… We men can do nothing more than trust in His divine providence knowing that what He does is well done, although at first glance our desires contradict us, but I believe that the true Perfection is having no desires other than, “that his will be done in us.”
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God, in his infinite wisdom, does not ask man what he wants in order to grant it immediately, since generally he does not know what is best for his salvation, but rather, acting above reason and the designs of the creature, he takes it, brings and tests it in a thousand ways… and the man says: «Lord, why do you do this», and God seems to say: «Trust me, you are like children, and to reach the kingdom of my Father, you cannot go alone, nor point the way; I will lead you… Follow me, even if it contradicts your desires… The kingdom of God suffers violence…, and to reach the end, it does not have to be where man wants, because as a child in the eyes of God, he barely knows how to walk. …Trust in me, says Jesus, and I will carry you.”
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Dear Father Teacher: I let myself be carried away by Jesus… When I was happiest… When I saw clearly my future as a Cistercian monk, when I no longer wanted anything from the world and my only desire was to be with my brothers in religion until I died…, Jesus says: “Now one illness and out”… Well, “fiat”, what else can I do?
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Therefore, you see, Father, that I am calm, that the circumstances I am going through do not depend on me and that, therefore, since it was God who took me out of the novitiate, if He wants, He will take me back.
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How many things I would say for the Fathers, and the novices, and Oblates… My silence, I believe, will be more eloquent than anything I can say in a letter… I have left so much sincere affection in La Trappa that it will never be forgotten. I don’t give special regards to anyone, because he would have to name the entire community; Although physically I am here, spiritually I am very often in the choir.
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I get up late, I go to bed late, I’m at home all day doing nothing, because reading tires me…
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..I don’t wear the habit so as not to attract attention, and I keep it carefully stored; It was a comfort to me to bring it to him.
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I don’t receive anyone; the first days, because people really made me dizzy, and now because what they say to me does not interest me in the least, as you will easily understand, and although there are people who truly appreciate me, there is also a lot of curiosity, because a Trappist does not see everyone the days.
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The other day Father Felipe, whom I didn’t know, was at home; He came to see his family and on the way he stopped to meet me. He is very nice and must be very good.
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I just have to tell you… Forgive me for how poorly written these lines are, but you already know how I write, a lot, quickly and badly, but that’s me; I save the compliment letters for someone other than my Master Father.
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I trust in the prayers that the novices and the Oblates will address to [the] Holy Virgin for me; Of course, I trust them more than the doctors to whom God forgives the hunger they are making me suffer…, I assure you, Father, that it is tremendous, since it is also a characteristic of the disease.
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Without further ado, I present my respects to the reverend Father Abbot, my sincere affection to the novices, and I hope to receive your blessing and prayers from you, your novice.
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